Life is funny. If we’re not careful, the curveballs that it throws at us can leave us bitter, downtrodden and depressed. Many of you are already aware of the fiasco that I went through with my ex-publishing company All Things That Matter Press. (If not, click here.) My heart is still hurting over the way they cheated me out of my money and left me without a published novel. I know they thought they could do this to me because I’m broke and they thought I wouldn’t be able to get a lawyer (I’m working on that now so I can get what is rightfully owed to me).
My gut spoke to me when I first got involved with them but, once again, I ignored it. How often do we ignore our gut because we want something to work out, because we’re grasping for love, because we want to move on to the next level? How often do we take that job knowing it isn’t right for us and that we should pass? Once we take it and things fall apart, we are left with shattered pieces, shattered dreams and end up having to “change lanes or make a U-turn” as Terry McMillan said.
I’m at that point now. I’m left wondering, “What next?” I’m left wondering how am I ever going to get my life back on track because I was depending on getting the word out about my novel so I could make a living as a published author. I’m left wondering how am I going to take care of that precious little girl who looks at me like I’m the world. I’m left wondering if I will ever be a published author again…if someone, a reputable agent, will pick up Zaire’s Place or my other novel and turn it into my pot of gold.
Of course, this isn’t the first time I had to pick up the shards of glass after something went terribly wrong. Many of us have to do it over and over again because life isn’t easy. But I find myself constantly wondering why does it have to be so hard? I find myself wondering why good people always get shitted on. I’m a good person and time and time again, I get treated poorly by others. I want to believe in Karma, but I often wonder if it is real and if it is why I don’t get a good dose of it to make up for the pain.
And so, I say again, “What next?” Right now I’m trying to bring some money in by offering my services as a writer/editor. I know that God has given me a talent and I want to use it. I’m trying to remember that God doesn’t give you more than you can take and that every problem you face is making you stronger. If that’s the case I must be He-Man by now because I’m constantly plagued with the problems life dishes out. I’m trying to remember my favorite saying, “In the end it all works out. If it hasn’t worked out, then it’s not the end.” But at the same time, in the recess of my mind, I’m left wondering “what next” and will it ever be right again?