Sunday, August 21, 2011

You Are Not the Father

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Unfortunately, I’m a huge fan of Maury Povich’s paternity test segments. I haven’t watched lately because I’ve been trying to wean myself off my guilty pleasure and do more author-related stuff during the day. However, that show never ceases to amaze me. Many people think the women who come on the show are actors. To be honest with you, I hope they are because if those guests are real…well…

Anyway, I think everybody can learn from Maury’s “You Are Not the Father” segments. Here are five things his show has taught me:

1)    Always make sure you know who your baby daddy is. Ladies, if you are sleeping with multiple men, please, please use protection! If you don’t, you could wind up on Maury saying that you are 110% sure that “he is the baby daddy.” Which brings me to Lesson #2…
2)   Never give in to hyperbole. What does that mean? Never exclaim, “I am 1 million and 100 thousand percent sure he is the baby daddy” because you always end up being wrong. Whenever a liar wants a person to believe them, they over-exaggerate. So, never ever ever do that because you will almost always look like a lying idiot and end up having to run off the stage—the stage of life.
3)   Don’t be a side-chic. It’s one thing to be with a man and not know that you are a side-chic (hopefully, if you find out you are one, you will dump his a$$). But if you are a side-chic and know you are…look out! If you get pregnant, the dude you are cheating with will more than likely stay with his main squeeze and leave you holding that bundle of joy by your lonesome (just like those losers on Maury).
4)   Never jump up so you can give someone a beat down. You will look like a fool. I repeat…you will look like a fool. Ladies, fighting is not classy. You just look like ghetto trash. The only time fighting is necessary is when someone hits you. That is called self-defense. But hopefully you will never find yourself in a situation like that.
5)   Be careful who you pick. There is a lot of trash out here perpetrating as “good men.” Ladies, be careful who you pick. If there are signs that you should run the other way, RUN THE OTHER WAY! Don’t try to delude yourself and think your instincts are wrong. Your instincts always speak to you, and most of the time they are right. You see it on Maury all the time…the women who say, “I knew I never should have slept with him.” Trust that judgment and keep it moving.

So, guys, there you have it. You can learn something from anything in life…even trash TV. Thank you, Maury, for showing us the women we do not want to be!


  1. I agree you can learn many things from daytime television, lol! I love it.

  2. Love this post! Fun but truth! I actually know someone that went on Maury for one of the paternity test shows. he and the ex knew the baby was his, but for a free trip to his home town with his new girlfriend I guess he was willing to play into the madness.

  3. Thanks, Michelle! I'm speechless about that guest thing. That's too funny. I guess a free trip speaks louder than words any day!